Family Planning & Adoption

What causes reasonable, relatively intelligent adults to desire the company of a four-legged beast?

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Perhaps my family experienced an emptiness that they attempted to fill with the love of an animal.  Perhaps their need for physical affection was left unmet.  Perhaps I should have licked their hands each morning and chewed on their bare toes. 

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Maybe then they would have been satisfied with our family of four humans and our pet free, dander free, hair-ball free home.

Notice you can see into FringeMan’s sinus cavity.  Let’s all be thankful it is not hay fever season.

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Maybe then I would have two whole slippers, one more shoe, 54 more dollars (money spent on paper towels), and 3 more pounds (weight lost mopping).  Ok, I don’t want the pounds back!

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Oriana could be sleeping in a dirty alley and eating out of dumpsters; however, she’s sleeping on my couch and eating from my children’s plates.  Fried eggs are a breakfast favorite. 

What has happened to me?

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Pet adoption is not easy.  In fact, leaving the hospital with a newborn in hand required less paperwork.  The hospital didn’t even ask for references.  They should have.  Just ask the FringeKids…on second thought…

Home visits, doctor visits, vet visits…about the only thing this pup didn’t require was a 2 am feeding.

BUT, the middle of the night feeding was replaced with a pee-pee walk.

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If you are in the early stages of family planning or maybe you already have a small child or two, remember these simple steps.   They will prepare you and those in your family for a four-legged addition.

1.  Leave puddles of water in various locations throughout the house.

2.  Put at least one slipper through the paper shredder.

3.  After a long day at work, greet your spouse with a wet lick on his cheek.

4.  Keep a bowl of dog food right in front of the coffee pot so your husband (or wife…equal opportunity) will step in it.

5.  Place a foul smelling pile of rotten, steaming meat-loaf under the kitchen table.  (this will represent poop)  Now step in it with bare feet.

6.  Have your child mop the floor 62 times in one day.

7.  Set an alarm clock for 2 am and march the family through the backyard…preferably without a coat…whispering “hurry up and pee already!”

8.  Bury your couch cushion in the dirt and retrieve it one week later.  Return to couch.  It will smell just right.

9.  Throw up in your car.

10.  Bark incessantly at every movement you see through any window in the house.

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Now you are fully prepared for pet adoption!

Just don’t forget your checkbook, phonebook for references, and be sure to clean your house for the ‘inspectors’.

Enjoy Fee-fee or Fido or Spike or Daisy….you get the point!

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35 thoughts on “Family Planning & Adoption

  1. kristtie

    What a bark of a post! I totally relate. We have five rescues. 1ne female and 4our boys, and the little fellers mark EVERYTHING outside. My yard smells like “Pissturding” which is Disturbing . Enjoyed!! Thank you for the laugh!

    Reply
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  5. Anita

    OK- this post cracked me up. We have a 2 year old black lab puppy- ( they say it takes labs awhile to calm down) and I would add:

    1) Spend less on each pair of shoes. You’ll be buying more.

    2) You’ll also need to replace the underwear he chews- unless crotchless is your style.

    3) Important school treats or birthday cakes should be kept either in the stove or in the refrigerator so he doesn’t knock them off the counter and eat them- SURPRISE!

    4) Your very dependable friend also doubles as an electric blanket in the event the power goes off.

    5) Those 2 for 1 eyeglasses deals? Those are for dog owners. Dogs love to chew glasses.

    Lots of love…pound for pound a good deal.

    Anita

    Reply
  6. Nikki

    yeah…all those things are right….and they are ALL WORTH IT! I wouldn’t trade all those doggie don’ts for nothing. I love being greeted at the door by 3 waggly butts ….Yeah I only have 2 dogs…but my hubby can waggle with the best of em! I think your new puppy is ADORABLE!

    Reply
  7. Debbie York

    I forgot to ask since I was laughing so hard…was Oriana supposed to wear the prom dress to the party? If so, I’m so glad she missed the event. I don’t think I could top that! Debbie

    Reply
  8. Mel

    ok i am 20 hours late on my Fringe fix…I can relate with two 13 week old beagles (who gets two puppies at one time???)…cracking up!!

    Reply
  9. elizabeth channel

    I regret just a wee bit that you didn’t write this a few weeks earlier. Our group could have gone through these exercises and been better-prepared for the arrival of our “Sophie.”

    Good advice there!

    Reply
  10. Blond Duck

    This is why I get so mad at pet adoption places. They make adopting so difficult that many great families get frustrated and just buy a dog. I know they want to protect them, but they’ve got to realize msot people who want to adopt are nice!

    Reply
  11. Steph at the Red Clay Diaries

    I loved your list! My husband likes to complain bitterly that there is no such thing as a free dog. Ours were found, so no adoption fees.

    I’ll add a couple things that would’ve prepared us:

    11. Next time you see small animal roadkill, pick it up. Place beneath the couch cushions. Forget about it for a week. Then pull out and lay on it.

    12. When the mail carrier drops mail thru the slot in your door, scream at him/her. Then yank the letters from the slot, wave them around, then shred them.

    13. Set your TV to record every episode of The Dog Whisperer.

    14. Get a crate. Get a crate. Get a crate. 😉

    Reply
  12. caprik

    I DID notice that we could see into FringeMan’s sinus cavity!

    That sure is a cute Pooch-i-Doo!
    They are a whole heap of work though. My motto is I would have 10 more cats before 1 more dog.

    Reply
  13. Evergreen

    Ooooooooooooooh, what a cute puppy!!!!!!!! I can’t wait to see the puppy!!!!!! She is soooooooooooo sweet!!!! You’re gonna make me give her one of my shoes when I come to see you, aren’t you?

    Reply
  14. David

    That’s one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! You’ve outdone yourself, FringeGirl, which is no small feat. As if the pictures of Oriana and FringeMan weren’t funny enough, your list of pet adoption preparation steps had me rolling in the floor! Because they’re so true!

    I can especially relate to #4. My daughter very often leaves Prada’s water and food bowls out in the walkway between the kitchen and dining room. Now these are ceramic bowls on a ceramic tile floor. You get the picture. I have, on more than one occasion, come walking through barefooted and half-asleep in the quiet darkness and stepped on the edge of the bowl, sending it and its contents flying. And I’m sure you can imagine the racket it makes as a ceramic bowl bounces around on ceramic tile. It breaks the silence like a waitress dropping a tray load of dishes in a romantic restaurant! And, of course, that prompts Prada to bark her head off! Good morning, everyone! Time to get up! Yeah, I can relate!

    Great post!

    Reply
  15. Mike S

    CUJO!
    Neat pup.
    Fringeman does’nt get boogers like you do, huh?
    I’ll have to pick up some rubber poop “swirls” at the gag shop and perhaps pepper them about the Church one Sun.
    As a congregation we DO want you to feel at home!
    Cya,
    Mixmaster Mike

    Reply
  16. Hat Chick

    Wow – I’m going to copy your post and change the title to “All the reasons we don’t have pets”

    I had an airedale terrier that died a few years ago (We miss you Roux). I can’t bear to replace her yet because I’m not ready for another newborn in the house.

    Reply
  17. Cher

    As the mother of two shelter dogs, appreciated that post…and laughed until I made a puddle on the floor.

    FringeMan looks like a TV wrestler with his hair/no-hair like that. Is he changing professions? Has he turned into FringeFighter right before our eyes?

    The Texas Woman

    Reply
  18. Cathy

    Congrats on your new arrival. Dogs are great friends when no one else in the house wants to listen they are always there. Even if they don’t understand a word you’re saying.

    Reply
  19. robinaltman

    That was great! (And soooo true!) I’m crazy about our dogs, but if they had been shoe chewers, it would have been tough. Shoes, dogs. Shoes, dogs… I couldn’t have made that choice, but someone would have had to go, and it wouldn’t have been me.

    Reply
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  21. portugalbound

    Oriana is getting so big!

    Our adopted dog came with his share of emotional issues as well as the normal dog problems…hair, pee, poop..well, all the things you’ve listed.

    I used to walk through our yard and play soccer with the kids. Now no one can step in the yard without poop covered shoes.

    But kids/babies have issues too…and we still have those!

    Reply
  22. Straight Shooter

    Purr-fect post!
    Er, wrong pet.
    How ’bout Grrr-eat post?
    Love her name!
    How are the kids loving her?
    And just who is the alpha dog in your house? (my crumbs hate that it is me in our house… But, hello? I’m the MOMMA…of course I am also the alpha dog.)
    Rambling.
    Gotta git to bed.
    Have a fabulous rest of your week.
    Pickin’ up poop…

    Reply
  23. Debbie York

    Rule #1 Do not feed a dog eggs!
    Rule #2 Blame all foul smells on dog. See rule # 1
    Rule #3 Be sure and lock up all underwear
    Rule #4 Take garbage out constantly
    Rule #5 Make daily check of all cords and cables
    Rule #5 Keep emergency number handy in case Rule #4 ignored
    Rule #6 Keep brush by back door for cleanup when rolling in something dead seemed like such a great frolic
    Rule #7 Enjoy the heck out of her….they give back a lot of love and don’t care if you put back on the 3 lbs. or more.

    Just some extra info I thought you might need. Debbie

    Reply
  24. tckk

    You absolutely crack me up! I love the pictures. Great post. By the way we adopted our dog about 4 or 5 years ago and you are absolutely right on with your description!!!!

    Reply

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