Dear Mr. President:
As a result of the economic turbulence in our great country, the FringeFamily is experiencing a minor financial crisis. We have drastically cut corners, reducing the amount of outgoing monthly funds. We are recycling everything from cotton-balls to paper lunch bags and there is much in between, namely underwear which can only be reused so many times before a public health hazard occurs. Since the Swine Flu epidemic continues, it would be in the best interest of our country not to create anymore public health risks.
Unlike General Motors, we are not petitioning our government for 30 Billion dollars in aide; however, we are asking for a mere three thousand dollars. What the FringeFamily needs is not a personal stake in a car manufacturer, but cold cash. In fact freshly printed warm cash would work just fine.
Since our government is getting more like McDonald’s everyday, serving billions and billions, such a small request should be granted with the same service and smile we receive at the Golden Arches. Understand that we make this request not for personal gain, but for the well-being of our children. They’ve been reduced to eating peanut butter sandwiches, risking not only food poisoning, but possible childhood obesity. This three thousand dollars will keep the FringeKids in hot lunches and their parents, who have repeatedly watched “Fun With Dick & Jane“, out of jail for theft.
Thank you for this small personal bailout. It is merely the crumbs or loose change found in the back seat of GM’s cars. Remember, you will not only be affecting a family, but a community, a state, and a nation.
With much respect and anticipation,
Readers: Don’t take this letter too seriously. My kids are not on the brink of starvation and Fringeman and I promise not to rob any banks. PROMISE!