When did the make it yourself / create it from scratch philosophy of life permeate our minds and convince us that we could build empires with a glue gun? What are we thinking? That’s not the American way!
Martha Stewart is ruining our plastic, store-bought way of life one craft project at a time. I won’t stand for it! We are intelligent women. We know how to shop in Target. Polyethylene decorations should be perfectly acceptable for fall. Bunches of dried flowers filling your vases and wreaths of harvested wild berries hung on your doors are decorating trends invented to give obsessive compulsive overachievers something to do.
Even my mother’s mind has been twisted and she doesn’t even watch daytime TV. FringeKid called her up the other day to ask her to have a sleepover on Halloween. I thought this a fantastic idea! Grandma can roam the streets with my children and the neighboring stragglers and I will be free to take pictures and steal all the good chocolate out of my children’s bags before they’ve had time to realize that nobody handed out Reeces Peanut Butter Cups this year. My brain was still befuddled with milk-chocolatey goodies when I took the phone from my daughter. My mother’s voice questioned my child’s one desire for fall – to be an Egyptian.
“How are you going to make an Egyptian costume?” Grandma asked.
“Make? They’re selling perfectly good plastic ones in Wal-Mart for $14. I may even take FringeKid to get a chin length bob with bangs to make things extra realistic.”
Sadness filled my mother’s tone as she regaled me with tales of a pearl-essence blue jellyfish costume she saw dangling with ribbons and hand-crafted with all the love a sew & stitch mother could give.
“You should talk her into being that jellyfish?” My mother suggested.
The chocolate haze receded into the back of mind as I considered nights filled with sewing, pinning, and puffing. “Are you nuts?” I asked with great respect.
You see, FringeKid’s mind hasn’t yet been warped by ultra-creative moms. She’s pure. She still loves plastic. I need to take full advantage of this stage in her life. It’s my duty to make her dress-up time fun.
Besides, when did using a hot-glue gun become so difficult anyway?
I spent no less than hour last night gluing plastic, glow-in-the-dark spider webs to my front windows. Everytime I’d get one set up and move on to the next window, the first ones would fall. FringeMan made me quit decorating when I went in search of liquid nails.
I give up. The real spiders can have full reign of my house until November. They don’t require glue guns.
This holiday season, I’m boycotting anything that requires me to attend do-it-yourself craft classes at Micheal’s. I may even buy a plastic snowman to hang on the porch beside the glow-in-the-dark skeleton waving in the wind. I just feel like I’m losing touch with my inner Martha.