Reality is an evil place to live. There’s a reason why the majority of society lives in denial of something. For me, it’s my age.
It’s as if one day I was nineteen, thin, and knew the answer to all the world’s problems and then the next day…well, let’s just say I had to wear a fat outfit today, the kids I once babysat are now in college, and I’ve forgotten how to not only bring about world peace, but also how to mix Hillary Clinton with Donna Reed and get a perfectly successful, yet domesticated woman.
I’ve realized that I am aging and it’s been a shock to my system; however, with age comes wisdom or so they say. So today I impart to you my newfound knowledge.
1. Nail polish may not stay on nails, but it can be used to complete practically any school project. It’s worked on everything from wooden box cars to turkey feathers, mainly because school projects don’t spend much time in Palmolive.
2. If you eat chocolate until your blood begins to darken and you find yourself smelling like Nestle’s when you sweat, You Will Gain Weight.
3. Never yell at your daughter. She will always take it to heart. This includes when she wakes you up out of a deep sleep to tell you that she needs to make turkey feathers for school tomorrow. This includes when you tell her to give you five minutes to wake up and you’ll help her and she comes back after 35 seconds giving you a million reasons why you don’t know how to make turkey feathers. This includes when after you’ve spent an hour gluing beans, pasta, candy wrapper foils, and little pieces of fabric to cardstock feathers, you find out the dang turkey isn’t due for TWO MORE WEEKS!
4. Unless you plan on loosing your dog, selling your children, and locking your husband out of the house, don’t ever expect it to stay clean for more than two full minutes.
5. Buy stock in silverware and socks, they constantly disappear.
6. Our parents shouldn’t have told us that life is hard, they should have told us that life is not cheap. Children drain you of every last cent.
7. Kosher salt is like a lifeline to a hormonal woman. I love it. I’m not sure why this should surprise me since I am a huge fan of bagels, but it does. I’m just sad I waited so long to try it.
8. The quest to cover your gray hair will be more challenging than trying to cover your tracks when you were fifteen and didn’t want to be grounded.
9. When you find yourself relating to Maxine cartoons, it’s probably time to stop fighting the progress of nature and just start clipping Depends coupons.
10. God is always faithful. No joke.
What have you learned with time?
Notice I didn’t say age?
I don’t like to make you mad at me. I’m a pleaser by nature.
By the way, I’ve added a ‘Reviews’ page to my header, because sometimes people actually ask for my opinion.