M&M’s & Weight Loss

It all started a few weeks ago when I received an email inviting me to become part of a secret society.  This secret society was to promote health and fitness and motivate us to not only lose weight, but to become physically fabulous.  It was hard not to catch a bit of the organizer’s enthusiasm; however, when I realized that I was going to have to admit not only my weight, but also my measurements to this secret society, enthusiasm went out the window to make room for common sense.

It is only natural for a woman to protect two things – her age and her weight.

It’s what keeps her a mystery to the opposite sex and I have worked overtime to brainwash my children into thinking I am still in my twenties.  My husband gets so confused that he occasionally demands to see my driver’s license.  I step on my scale only when I am in a shroud of solitude, and although my husband isn’t delusional, he thinks I weigh my less than my scale.  That’s why I married him.  Granted he’s not blind enough to think I am Barbie, but he also doesn’t see Mrs. Potato Head when I am draped on his arm.

My doctor once called to schedule me for an MRI and he told them I was a full THIRTY pounds less than truth.  That man is immortalized.  He will forever be on my Christmas list.  I’ve nominated him for doctor of the year.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that these women wanted numbers and real numbers.  I would have bailed, but it was too late.  The health and fitness queen is now hot on my trail and checks up on me after I go silent for a few days.  I’m silent because my mother told me not to talk with a full mouth.  I haven’t seen the little arrow move much on my scale, but I am proud to say that I’ve lost three inches.

I got a hair cut.

Monday I realized that I sabotage my own efforts to slim down.  This ‘Aha’ moment came while I was jogging.  After popping the fifth peanut M&M into my mouth, I realized that I exercise to eat.  Does any clear thinking woman pop M&M’s while jogging?  It’s beyond bizarre.

Every quarter block run equals one peanut M&M.  I’m sure I saw this in a Weight Watcher’s add.

Now before you think that I am an anomaly, I missed lunch and was absolutely starving.  As I walked out the door, I turned to the only thing that was available – my daughter’s bucket of Halloween candy.

Diet Rule #1  Rid your house of your children and their snacks.

They will work as Satan’s tempters asking for things like maccaroni & cheese, ice-cream, and cup-cakes.  A hungry woman can only resist so many Oreo cookies.

The worst part of this ‘fitness journey’ is that I’ve lost the 3×5 card that has my beginning measurements in permanent ink.  I fully expect it to resurface in the hands of my children, who will be begin reading off body parts and numbers when I have house full of company.  I am on the precipice of my worst nightmare becoming reality and I have no power to stop fate.  I’ve scoured the house in search of that card and it remains elusive.

If only my fat vanished as easily…

Your ever hungry, but constantly slimming,


21 thoughts on “M&M’s & Weight Loss

  1. Rachel

    I cringed for you at the thought of your kids finding the measurements card. I can’t even IMAGINE how embarrassing that would be with my big ol’ behind recorded on it.

    Of course to complete the nightmare Princess would have to read it in front of my size-4 mother-in-law.

    *shudder* Who needs Halloween when there are real horrors like that in the world? 🙂

  2. Dani Joy

    Diet Police here again!

    What???? M&Ms and jogging??? jejeje.. funny!!! But NOOOOOO

    What goes through your mind? You are on a challenge! YOu are going to make a difference! You can do this! NO matter if your Hubby and Dr. will lie for you, you know. You know what you can be. 🙂 (ok you notice the poking fun right?)

    Don´t know How I missed this post but you are busted!!!

    Get back on that path to the Library and get yourself movin!

    (I need this pep talk too so you can return the favor ok)

    YOur Crunchin DRill Sarg.
    Dani JOy

  3. erin

    M + Ms are motivators. Spread those around town and imagine how far you’ll go!

    I had chips for breakfast and cookie dough for lunch. Was supposed to be my new start today. Thank god there’s always tomorrow.

    You’ll do great!

  4. diana/sunshine

    for some reason, thinking of anyone popping m&m’s while jogging cracks me up. i don’t jog, but i walk. next time i go out, i’m going to have a hard time to resist taking some of my secret stash… m&m’s (love them).

  5. Jenn

    Oh pul-leeze!!!! You are a HOT TAMALE, no matter what the scale says. You always have been!!! Now, for the important stuff, let’s see a picture of the new ‘do!!!!

    Love ya!

  6. caprik

    I OUGHT to join your secret society.
    I feel like a hog.
    Something has got to change, and here we are heading into the prime eating season of the year.

  7. Sandra

    Little do they know that is why we keep them around, my hubby still thinks I am the svelte little 19 year old I was when I met him and was happy when I announced I wasn’t going to dye my hair any more. Au Natural from now on baby, I need to keep what I have left. I do love your blog, Fringe Girl

  8. Debbie York

    If it’s a secret why do you have to divulge your weight…can’t you keep that a secret too?
    Looks like we could be on the same diet…cutting my hair took 3 lbs. off!
    You gotta love a man who looks at you through fun house glasses. Cat Daddy still carries around a card with my sizes on it from 1980! Bless his heart!
    I think running would offset any calories from M&M’s, but if not, at least they didn’t melt in your hand from sweating!

  9. TCKK

    Sounds like the best way to exercise to me. However, while not skip the run and just eat the M&M’s. Ahhh….wouldn’t that be great if it worked! lol

  10. Jill

    Yeah, I’m part of that same secret society. I was going great guns for the first week, doing pretty good for most of the second and now I’ve dropped off the face of the map. I only lost one pound so far and then I gained two back. This is not fair. Especially since I’ve accumulated most of my points by exercising until I can barely move. I’ll keep at it, but I’m not giving points back if I gain weight.

  11. Mindy

    Great writing! You went running? Look at you! Keep it up. And I can only hope that the measurements are used for kindling at a bonfire, or something. ~Mindy

  12. Pingback: Weight Loss » Blog Archive » M&M’s & Weight Loss

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