Rice-Cake Induced Depression

This is the post where you read the first paragraph and last and then leave me a nice little comment, pretending you read every word.  As sad as it may be, I’m ok with that.

You could probably tell that I was a bit depressed last week.  Now when I say depressed, I mean that I spent the week feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-induced patheticness.  I don’t mean that I was suffering from depression, despite what the Cymbalta commercial told me.

I didn’t forget to shower for a week or change out of my pajamas. Well, I change by at least noon, but if you drop by earlier in the day, there’s a pretty good chance you will find me in gray, paint-stained yoga pants and a moose sweatshirt, minus its’ front pouchy pocket.  It’s just as well the pocket tore off, because I think it was adding unnecessary bulkiness to my mid-section.  I’m not sure belly bulk matters when you’re wearing a moose on your chest, but still.  In my estimation, wearing yoga pants until noon is NOT a fashion faux pas, since I am always on the verge of spontaneous exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I am the only person who just gained weight on this diet challenge that I am on.  I swear on my mother’s once sacred lamp that I do not know how it happened.  I’ve been watching every bite that goes through my lips…watching them land right on my hips.  I give up!  I’m checking into the cost involved with liposuction.  Perhaps I can become part of a clinical fat depletion trial and get a discount.  Is it possible to donate fat to the needy?

Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie

I’m confident that I could bring both these young women up to an average weight and still fit into my jeans.

Getting back to my problems…

I’m avidly avoiding the exercise queen, because I don’t want to fess up to the fact that I fell off the wagon; however, I know it’s only a matter of time before she catches me.  Unfortunately if she looks for me here, I’ll never be able to talk my way out of these three pounds.

It’s ironic that amidst my gloom, I found solace in the kitchen.  I’ve been on a fabulous cooking cycle that has resulted in my freezer filling with containers of various cookies, three pound pancakes guaranteed to keep you full for at least four hours, and a few Mexican flavored meals.

FringePup loves Mexican.  Drizzle a little enchilada sauce on a napkin and you’d think I was Julia Child.  If only everyone were as easy to please as my pooch, I’d be a star.

I am pleased to tell you that I’ve made it out of the pit of despair, so there’ s no need to send St. John’s Wart in bulk.  Besides, there’s no time for sadness this week.  I have a cookie contest to win, there’s a town-wide Christmas party Saturday, and my mother is coming for the weekend.

She’s abandoning me for Christmas, so this weekend is her attempt to make up for the fact that her only daughter will spend Christmas without any extended family.  How dare she go to Florida to visit my brother and his family?  Doesn’t she know they won’t make her do laundry, cook, and help wrap all their presents??  She won’t have any fun.

Well, it seems that I best go do some crunches, or squats, or curls or anything that sounds like it will inflict pain.

Eating my way through life, one rice cake at a time…


10 thoughts on “Rice-Cake Induced Depression

  1. Shannan

    You’re a hoot. Glad you made it out of the pit. (It’s the Winter season pressing down on all of us – I swear!) As for the cookies – I have a great recipe for you… 😉

  2. robinaltman

    That picture makes me want to eat a thousand birthday cakes. Those girls are just icky. But you, my dear, are adorable and funny and wonderful. You’re going to have an awesome holiday. I predict this with my new Chinese powers.

  3. Amber

    I refuse to eat rice cakes!!! Blech!! Now onto this diet thing. Just the fact that you’re on one is a step ahead of me. I’m still in the pit of despair (no need to quote princess bride here) in that I haven’t worked out in months and I eat whatever I want. But of course I have no husband to look hot for and I am out of control. You are way ahead of me!!! 😉 Personally I would rather live happy and chunky eating like Julia Child. Don’t you know she lived to be a healthy older woman. I am fully convinced that butter is good for us. FULLY.

    P.S. I am almost out of my St John’s Wort and I refuse to buy until it goes on sale ’cause I have a coupon. So my next week’s posts may be dreary. 😉

  4. MissCaron

    It’s completely understandable to “fall off the wagon” I mean, dieting goes against everything we’re naturally programmed to do. However, the exercise is the most important part of a lifestyle adjustment. Even if you never go back on a diet again … changing some basics about food (read Eat This, Not That for some amazing eye openers) an making sure you burn off the calories you consume that day … will help you in the long run. And that’s really what we’re aiming for, right? Long term vitality. Keep in mind that no one EVER should look like the two disgusting figures in your picture above! GROSS! But, you needn’t worry … this too shall pass, right!?! Take this from someone who suffers from clinical depression and each day is a struggle just to get out of bed. But we do it, and we keep on keepin on … and we have bad days and good. But we’re here for eachother … and that’s the most important thing. You are in my prayers. Thanks for making me laugh 🙂

  5. Castal

    Crunches… as in chips? cookies perhaps?

    I never understood the bony look (and lucky for me, neither have my hips). My body would much rather be plump, but my joints are far more picky and insist that I keep on the low end of well-padded.

    Now if only pecan pie was considered a health food I would be set!

  6. Debbie York

    Man oh man…put those two together and you still don’t have a whole woman! Given a choice, I don’t think there is a man alive who doesn’t like a little meat on a woman…good thing too, cause there is alot of it on this woman! I can gain weight on water!!!
    Sprinkle enchilada sauce on a napkin around me and I’ll fight FringePup to the death for it!
    I just can’t believe that FringeMom would pass up the opportunity to wrap gifts…I know that’s my favorite part of the festivities, she says with sarcasm!
    Good luck with the cookies…couldn’t get that recipe…it’s under lock and key!

  7. Cathy

    Don’t worry we’re all there from time to time. But I must say, almost all you posts make me laugh and I so enjoy reading you. Don’t be hard on yourself, just sit back and relax and enjoy the holidays. Hope you win the cookie contest!

  8. David

    Well, if I were to go into depression, I know you could pull me out of it with laughter! Believe me when I say that I would much rather see a picture of you in the gray paint-stained yoga pants and moose pocketless sweatshirt than one of those two morbid scarecrows, Lindsay and Nicole.

  9. caprik

    Drizzle a little enchilada sauce on a napkin and you’d think I was Julia Child.


    Are you up for another depressing thought? I fell off the wagon LAST Thanksgiving and never really managed to climb back on!
    I am going to leap on the low carb bandwagon the first week of January. And be FIRM with myself.

  10. Jill

    You’re not the only one who’s gained weight and fallen off the exercise wagon. and btw, your picture shows two bobbleheads. (In more ways than one.)

    Your “drizzle a little enchilada sauce on a napkin” cracked me up. And make your mom work and wrap all your presents when she comes for a visit. Guilt can go a long way. : )


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