I have exercised every day for the last ten years of my life or right before the onset of the new year. At any rate it’s been about a week and some of those days, I actually set my flab in motion twice.
In. The. Same Day.
I’ve also seriously cut down on my portions of food and have attempted to make healthy choices, excluding the brownie I ate last night. So I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself, until I made the mistake of stepping on the scale. I want results yesterday. Maybe I’m just a product of the microwave generation, or perhaps it is because I grew-up in a fast paced society. All I know is that when I decide to do something, I really want immediate gratification. I’m childish that way.
It’s because of my impatience that I woke up this morning telling myself that the dieting and exercise is better left to Richard Simmons and Denis Austin. (Notice that I can only get outdated videos at my library?) The strangest thing happened to me around nine this morning. The desire to move my body overwhelmed me, and I don’t just mean moving from the couch to the coffee pot. I actually wanted to exercise.
Pigs flew and a new miracle was recorded.
After about forty minutes of uncoördinated movement, I ran upstairs to grab clean clothes and glanced to my jeans in dismay. It’s not that they don’t fit, it’s just that they squeeze me like you squeeze a roll of Charmin and when that happens, fat tends to get pushed into odd places. Now they’re nowhere’s near as bad as a pair of control-top pantyhose, but I dread washing them just the same. At any rate, they were my only reasonable clothing choice for the day because I tore a gaping hole in the backside of my ‘fat’ pants. It was a most unfortunate accident.
I’ve learned that on ‘fat’ days, you just don’t feel fabulous. Now I can spiritualized matters and remind myself that I am a child of the almighty God, created in His image, and given the greatest love gift anyone could receive. I could think about how much my family loves me. I could look into FringePup’s eyes and know that with every wag of the tail, she’s sending me her love.
But it’s not enough, because my Levi 501 Blues don’t love me.
When I slip on my jeans, I want the birds to begin singing Ooh, la la, Sasson.
I want FringePup’s tail to beat to the rhythm of Ooh, la la, Sasson.
And I want FringeMan’s fingers to go into a guitar solo of Ooh, la la, Sasson.
[Insert 80’s video HERE]
So I resorted to doing what every self-loving, slightly insane woman does, I played mind tricks. Yes, with myself. I know you do this too, so quit thinking I’m two recommendations away from the psych ward. Self-image is really more about your mind than it is about your butt. I simply assured myself that my hard work would pay off. After all, I am already seeing results. My fingers are becoming slim-lined digits and I’m itching. Now you may have never looked at itching in a positive light, but I’m here to tell that itching is sure sign your skin is tightening and your fat is fleeing. Maybe you can’t read that in the American Medical Association Journal, but I’m convinced of it. I’ve completely disregarded that we heat primarily with wood, thus causing incredibly dry skin. I did put a pot of water on the stove, so the only other reasonable explanation is shrinkage.
You know what? I felt great about myself after that, but I’ve never known anyone to wish for an itchy bottom as much as me.
By mid-afternoon, I was on top of the world. Then the postman came and brought me ….
I couldn’t have been more excited. The other day when I was looking through magazines in the bookstore, I actually talked a woman into buying this book. It’s not that I think Ree really needs me to make sales for her, but I would consider becoming her personal publicist in trade for a side of beef or two.
And that’s how my life goes. Just when I’m itching up a storm, I get the most fabulously fattening cookbook around.
My mom sent me this book. She loves me. Thank you mom!
Can’t wait to make something, but in the meantime, I’ll leave you with my brownies.
Here’s a recipe that will satisfy nearly every mortal craving you have. Click HERE.