I’m Like an Elf with an Afro

I’ve never been more boring than I am today.

I am not counting the last thirty-two days.  Yesterday I briefly scanned over my recent posts and I nearly fell asleep.  I actually felt sorry for you.  I’ve subjected you to reading about my kids, my dog, and my gooey plastic mouse.  I am sorry from the bottom of my elf-clad toes.

I snapped this picture of my feet (yes, they’re mine), because I wanted to show you my cute slipper socks that FringeMom gifted me for Christmas.  I’m hoping next year she’ll give me green tights, so I can moonlight as one of Santa’s elves.  One thing in this photo drives me absolutely batty.  If I weren’t so lazy, I would have snapped another picture, but that would mean reconnecting the wire between my camera and laptop and it’s not really worth the half-calorie I would burn.

There’s A HAIR poking out from under my right foot.


I shed more than my dog and my new coat is coming in gray.  My hair is everywhere.  I’m actually slightly embarrassed to tell you all the places my hair shows up, but that’s the point of blogging, isn’t it?  I tell the worst of the worst and make you feel good about yourself.

For starters, I should be wearing a hair net in my own kitchen.  I’ve told my family that hair is a good source of fiber, so eat up, besides I wash daily.  Before you get too grossed out and refuse every invitation to dinner, I always pull all my hair up when I am cooking for others.  Trust me, I’m paranoid about bringing meatloaf to a potluck and somebody thinking I’ve added spaghetti stringers to the mix.

My hair blows around my house like tumbleweed, it clogs my drains, and FringeMan (poor FringeMan) needs a lint brush because of me.  I should be bald by now, but I am not.  I knew things were getting bad when FringeBoy yelled out of the bathroom that he had my hair stuck in his poop.

I know.

I’ve lost all tact.

I am sorry mom.

There’s just no gentle way to say that my son poops my hair.

Moving on.

Saturday afternoon, I decided that my bush was too thick, too heavy, and too wild.  The time to tame the squiggly mass had come, so I took out the kitchen shears and went to work.  This is what happens when you are too poor to make an appointment at the salon down the road.  You resort to using scissors that also cut the skin from last night’s chicken.  Life is like that sometimes.

After I’d collected a fairly large pile of slightly frizzy hair in my sink, I proclaimed my hairdo momentarily acceptable.  I’m now walking around with a long afro, circa 1998.  Anytime you need your hair trimmed, I’m here for you.

Back to my foot photo…

If you look beyond the pom-pom socks, just past the hair, you’ll see my sheets.  I probably shouldn’t admit this, but hey, it’s national spill your guts day on the fringe.  Officially.  Recently I’ve been somewhat in awe over how thin my sheets have become.  I’m a one set type of gal.  It’s all wash and wear in my house and apparently, my sheets have been worn too many times.  I could see right through my fitted sheet and wondered at the original thread count.  Currently, I can count about twelve threads.

Sure enough I awoke this morning to find a gaping hole just under my left shoulder.  It was quite the pre-coffee shock.  I don’t know if excessive thrashing took place, but I did dream that I was trapped in my college dorm and jumped from a third story window to escape.  In the dream, I kept asking FringeMan if he still had his maintenance ID…like that was going to save us from the impending doom of my subconscious.

At any rate, my sheet is torn and is being flipped to find a resting place at FringeMan’s feet.  Anymore crazy dreams and I’ll be begging bottom sheets on the street corner.

Feel free to join me in spilling your guts.  It’s good for your psyche and mine.  Tell me I am not alone in my sorrows.
If you want to read another hair cut story, click HERE.


24 thoughts on “I’m Like an Elf with an Afro

  1. Pingback: I said THAT? 2010 Blog Recap | the domestic fringe

  2. Marytoo

    It’s a good thing you pointed out the hair. Otherwise I would not have seen it. To be perfectly frank, I still can’t see it. Not even with my glasses… Time for some new ones, I guess.

    I was hoping to see a pix of your haircut. I am about to do the same to mine!

  3. hibby

    Sweet mercy, you’re hilarious! I’ve been lurking around these parts for a while now, but laughed out loud at work today. And you’re to blame. And I thought you should know.

    In other news, I just recently blogged my dirty, little secrets, albeit far less funny than yours. But paper-thin sheets or fresh and wrinkled sheets, we’re in this together! 🙂

  4. red.neck Chic

    Oh my gosh – I am LAUGHING SO HARD!!! AND! I guess I’m laughing so hard that I missed the hair under your slipper!!! LOLOL Girl – I am so you – you are so me… I just set the razor blade down not 15 minutes ago because I had some hair that was bothering me…
    Yep, following behind me is a bright orange trail.

    Have a good one!!!
    😉 Robelyn

  5. Debbie York

    I forgot to mention one other thing…out of all the people I “know” I was certain you would catch on to my SchoolHouse Rock reference. You let me down, girlie!

  6. Debbie York

    I just have to warn you…the first sign of getting older…you start telling poop stories…next thing you know, it’s your own you’re talking about…on Oprah! I’m just saying…don’t say you weren’t warned!
    As for as shedding…I literally just got off the floor from shaving my vacuum cleaner and I can’t blame my dog. He’s a schnauzer and they don’t shed. Nope…that was all me…it’s a wonder there’s a hair on my head!
    I would so wear your elf shoes…I think they are tutu cute, but didn’t your mama teach you not to jump on the bed!

  7. robinaltman

    You are too funny! I am ashamed to say that I still can’t see the hair, and I fear that means it’s time for, dare I say it? Bifocals! Gah!

  8. Gabriela

    POOP STORY: A few years ago when our Dachshund was still teething, he took to eating the edge off a carpeting remnant in the basement. This particular remnant must have been sewn with nylon string similar to fishing line. Well when we were sitting down for dinner one day, the dog came running up to the kitchen table in a dead panic. I looked down at him and he was crying and kind of running in circles attempting to bite his tail. That’s when I saw a little something hanging down from beneath the base of his tail. It was a little poopy piece of digested carpet that would not “fall off”. I was so grossed out but I was also scared for my little Dachshund puppy, so I grabbed a paper towel and gently pulled the piece of expelled carpet. That’s when I saw it. The carpet remnant was still attached to a nylon string that was INSIDE my dog’s intestine! OMG I was mortified and didn’t want to strangle him from the inside or blindly cut his intestine or colon. I felt I had to take immediate action so I grabbed the stuff that was already hanging out (with the paper towel) and ever so gently pulled a 13″ piece of nylon thread out of my dog’s butt. Yes, I am woman! Who’s your Daddy now?

  9. Gabriela

    HAIR STORY: After I wash and rinse my hair, I run my hand through the ends and squeeze out the water and pull out any loose hairs off my scalp and I stick them momentarily to the shower tile (wall). I do this frequently throughout my shower in order to capture all loose head hairs and stick them on the wall. I am petrified of ever clogging my own shower drain and having to call a plumber and be ripped off. As soon as I towel off in the shower, I grab all the hairs off the wall (first I place the tip of my index finger over a few of them and “draw” circles over all the loose hairs stuck to the wall) and then I drop the little hair ball I’ve collected into the trash can. This works really well if you are a brunette like me and have a light colored shower wall. My little girl, unfortunately, is a blonde and she has trouble seeing her own blonde hair against her light colored shower wall tile.

  10. Jenn

    I’m sure in years to come FringeBoy will look back on these posts and have a fit when he reads about the hairy poop. His therapist might get a kick out of it though. ;-)~
    I’m right there with you on losing hair. Lost quite a bit of it every morning in the shower.
    A picture of your self-styling hair cut might be in order though. I think that has me a little more frightened than the hairy poop. 😀

  11. Lisa

    I don’t see the hair either, and I looked and looked lol!!

    You’re not the only one with hair issues, although my kids haven’t had the bathroom issue:)

    Thanks for a great laugh and an awesome post!!

  12. Mindy

    I don’t even see the hair in the picture. But, I believe you. Bless your heart.

    As for spilling my guts, well, I have numerous boxes filled with Christmas decorations, still in my house. Blocking walking paths. It’s a literal, multi-color Rubbermade container obstacle course. Maybe I’ll get them to the barn this morning. Maybe. ~Mindy

  13. Mama Belle

    You are a hoot! This is just what I needed to read this morning.

    As for the hair, I feel your pain. I, too, lose lots. My tub is scary after I get out. It looks like Big Foot bathed in there.

    I also had a sheet set do the same thing. I think you’re going to have to break down and buy another set.

  14. caprik

    We had a sheet that had a hole in it too. My toe ALWAYS found it. It is now a paint drop cloth.

    We are also the Hair Bear Bunch around here. Between the three girls and the three cats, I have to clean the vaccuum cleaner brush everytime I use it.

  15. rebecca d

    I didn’t notice the hair until you pointed it out…

    My younger girlie said she’d “die a thousand deaths if I ever wore those slippers!” … Where did Fringe Mom get them? I really need them, now…

    I too have limited sheets, but I had two sets… until my husband mistook our “ultra thin” top sheet as an old rag and used it as a “drop cloth”… ironically it was so thin it didn’t work and now I not only have a paint stained top sheet, but paint stained carpet… I will still use the sheets for now…

    I live such a glamorous life…


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