Bad Mommy Bonanza

According to my children’s stories, I am the queen of mothering catastrophe.  This crowning glory comes at a price.  Every pediatrician I’ve ever met thinks I am parental knucklehead at best.  I’m not sure if storytelling is an inherited trait, but when the doctor asks the simplest of casual questions, my kids embark on a graphic word tirade that makes me cringe and the doctor laugh, eyebrows raised in my direction.

I once had to promise on my grandmother’s Bible that I was not feeding my son squirrels every night for dinner.  Seriously, I can barely cook beef.  What would I do with a squirrel?

Not only that, but my son ate his first Twinkie in school last month.  Am I even an American?  Could I possibly have withheld Twinkies from my son for a full ten years?  I’m not sure if I should be proud or repent?

So last week when I brought my son to the doctor for his annual checkup, I knew that I was going to spend twenty minutes laughing at my kid’s antics.  I was not disappointed.  The theatrics began before the doctor even entered the examining room.  My son clutched his stomach, began groaning, and begged for help because he was bleeding to death.

This is what the audience of doctors and nurses heard.

“Hhhelp! *gasp* I, I’m bleeding… *gasp* I’m cut and I’m gonna die. *gasp*

Because we just moved, this was a new doctor.  I guess we may as well make a good first impression.

The doctor asked him if he was enjoying his snow days and he said, “Not so much today.  My mom made me shovel all day.”

Hello!  I endured the pains of labor so I could birth a son to shovel for me.  It’s the least he could do!

Your turn.  Spill the beans.

What do your kids say about you?

Am I the only one who has kids who tell bad mommy stories?

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15 thoughts on “Bad Mommy Bonanza

  1. Janna Qualman

    LOL! I loved Capri K’s comment.

    FG, gasp! You’ve made me wonder if my own children have ever had a Twinkie…

    My oldest makes fun of my snort. You know, that one that eeks out when I laugh?

    Reply
  2. Mindy

    No! Don’t do as David said and try the ex-wife. She has never even met me and she makes up bad things to say about me. The kids are a breeze! Well, more easily handled, anyway. ~Mindy

    Reply
  3. robinaltman

    My son used to wait until we were at line in the grocery store and then say really loudly, “I’ll be good, Mommy! Please don’t lock me in the closet again!”

    Reply
  4. Patti Lacy

    I have admired you just because of your lovely, inspirational blog, but you have moved into stratosphere status because of your Twinkie-less child.

    That’s some kinda statement in good ole America!!

    Hmmm. My kids EXACTLY followed Mark Twain’s anecdote (or at least the way I remember reading it:)

    When I was a boy of 14, my mother was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old woman around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much she’d learned in seven years.”

    Have a great day!!!! Yes, my kids are both now over 21!!!! And it’s blissful!!!1

    “When I went to college

    Reply
  5. Cathy

    Those pictures of your son are so cute. Especially where he has his eyes crossed in the first one. I would die if my kids did that at the doctors. Doctors scare me to death. But trust me, I’m sure they tell plenty of tales everywhere else.

    Reply
  6. Debra

    My husband taught one summer at a maximum security prison. It was about a three hour journey from our house so he stayed with friends in the area and came home on weekends. My children were taught to be polite when answering the phone and they always did pretty well. The first day my hubby was away the phone rang and my daughter made a dash for the phone. The caller asked to speak to her father and she calmly replied, “He’s not here, he’s in jail.” After a stunned silence, I grabbed the phone and explained the situation. The girls got good use out of that one!

    Reply
  7. red.neck Chic

    you are not alone. I try not to let the resident teen out in public for fear that the men with the white coats will come get me. LOLOLOL

    didya’ know your son sure does sound like he’s related to his mama? LOLOLOLOL

    when’s he gonna be your guest blogger? heehee

    😉 happy monday!!!

    Reply
  8. DJ

    Hilarious stuff, my friend ~
    What movie was it that had the line,”What good are having DWARVES if they don’t do stuff for ya?”

    Reply
  9. Jill

    We have a what-happens-at-home-stays-at-home policy with regard to my lack of mothering skills. And when my kids complain about me, I tell them to take it up with God since He’s the One who chose me as their mother.

    Reply
  10. Hat Chick

    One night I made meatloaf. My then three-year-old looked at her plate and said, “What is *this* crap?” I don’t know if I was more devistated because she thought the meatloaf was unappetizing or I had said those 4 little words so many times when referring to her unclean room that she had used it in *exactly* the right way to get back at me. Ugh! p.s. I stopped saying “crap” that night.

    Reply
  11. caprik

    It’s not against me personally, just all of us in general. If we have not shoveled the snow enough and Abby cannot get to the mailbox to put her NetFlix in for outgoing mail, she will tell ANYONE loudly, “This Family has NO RESPECT for the crippled!!!”

    She says this to make us laugh, but others do not share our sense of political in-correctness!

    Reply

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