Tongues Gone Wild

You know that feeling you get when you’ve just said what you are thinking and realize the last word lands like a bomb that implodes the hour of great conversation beforehand?

I know it too.

Sometimes the thought of pulling out my tongue and cutting it off with a pair of scissors seems like the best thing for my future.  I would consider a brain transplant if I were guaranteed the brain I was getting came from a woman who always knew just what to say.  Unfortunately there are so few of those women in the world.

I know this because people tend to say stupid things to me all the time.  The apex of insults came to me straight from a woman’s lips in the church nursery.  Lest anyone who has worked in the church nursery with me for the past five years start sweating in fear of me mentioning them, it’s not YOU!

Ever notice how many disclaimers I include in my posts?  I really need to print a disclaimer and wear it on my back to keep me out of trouble.

Back to the nursery – As I crawled around the floor wiping runny noses and building block castles, I chatted with a woman I barely knew.  Until the moment of the ill-fated question, it was a great morning.  I hadn’t been covered in baby regurgitation and there were no diaper blow-outs.  I glanced at the clock and realized that with only ten minutes to go, I would probably survive this morning with no visible signs of baby fluid battles.  I had hope in my heart and wore a smile on my face.

Then the perky college-age girl with the clear blue eyes and toned thighs looked at me and asked me about my pregnancy.  In confusion, I stammered for an answer.  The question sounded like I was currently with child, but my baby was in the two year-old room across the hall.

In shock, I asked, “Do you think I’m pregnant now?”

I slumped through the rest of day in a combination of disbelief and horror.  You see, there has never been any question as to whether I am pregnant or not.  When I am pregnant, people don’t just say that it looks like I swallowed a basketball, they say it looks like I swallowed the whole court, bleachers and all!  And unless this naive girl thought I was carrying a baby in my backside, it was hard to explain the misconception.

I would be fine if she told me that I needed to amp up my time in the gym, or that I should really lay off the bagels, or that the local chapter of Weight Watchers was accepting applications; however, the thought that I might resemble my pregnant self was unbearable.

Like I said, people aren’t usually shy about throwing insults my way and typically, I don’t take them to heart.  Have I told you about the time a house-guest called me a “long-tongued heifer?”

My Former Self

No?  I guess I’ll save it for another day.

Thankfully my spoken blunder was nothing personal, but related to a geographic location.

Lesson learned:  Quit saying things like “That’s the armpit of NY!” or “Ya, it’s a great place if you’re an Eskimo.”  I could continue to elaborate, but will shut-up before I insult anyone else.

Like me, do you ever wish you could send your tongue to obedience school?

What’s the most outlandish thing anyone has said to you?

Please share…misery loves company.  It does.

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11 thoughts on “Tongues Gone Wild

  1. Morgan

    Ahhhh, I really do wish people would sometimes think things over twice before saying them (I have the foot-in-mouth disease, too!).

    The worst I’ve received recently was a friend who came up to me and nonchalantly threw out there “Ugh, I could NEVER be married to your husband, in fact, I don’t know how you stand it”. Who says that?

    Reply
  2. caprik

    I can’t think of something said to me at the moment, but at my Mom’s funeral, my Dad did a doozy. A couple of my friends were there, one my Dad knew, the other he didn’t. He said to the known one, “Oh, is this your daughter?”
    Oh DEAR!

    Reply
  3. Debbie York

    I’m the one that is usually sticking my foot in MY mouth…so much so that I have had it pickled for taste. Thank goodness I only wear a six or I’d have to have it surgically removed!
    Debbie
    P.S. I fixed your/Fringeman’s sausage slo-cooker recipe and as expected…it was a huge hit with the ol’ Cat Daddy!!! Thanks!

    Reply
  4. robinaltman

    Oh, man, that is too funny! I had a similar experience at my son’s briss, which we had at our house. I was upstairs for a moment, and some obnoxious friends of my MIL came up to scope out the house, and said to me, “Isn’t it nice to think that one day soon, you’ll have a nice baby, too?”

    Uh. Thanks for that.

    Reply
  5. Cathy

    I got nothing to add right now except to say you cracked me up and so are these replies from others. Thanks I needed a laugh today.

    Reply
  6. Sydney

    Okay, my sister and I are only 14 months apart and as youngsters people often asked if we were twins. Well I got married late in life (40) had my first child at 42 and my second at 45. I am now 46. Whenever she is with me and the kids, people will tell her how cute her grandchildren are. It is driving her nuts. And no one believes me when I tell them how old I really am. Why can they believe I am my sons mother but can’t that she is my sister? When the kids are absent no one thinks she is my mother, but can tell that we are sisters. She has lost weight, dyed her hair and is buying “younger” clothes.

    Reply
  7. Mindy

    When I was younger, a variety of old people, on more than one occasion, advised me that I would be really pretty if I would lose weight. I comfort myself in knowing that most of those people are dead today. ~Mindy

    Reply
  8. izziedarling

    You need a new job and new friends. You are too smart to be around the idiots who say awful things to you. If it continues, tell them what I told one of those makeup ladies standing at the front of a store. She said, “Would you like a makeover” intimating I didn’t look too hot. My response, “Drop dead.”

    Reply
  9. Debra

    This sprang right to my brain. An elderly couple who had been close friends of my parents as far back as I can remember attended a wedding and we were guests too. I hadn’t seen said couple since my wedding probably 15 years earlier. When I approached them to say hello, the Mrs. looked me up and down and said, “My, aren’t you getting matronly”! Ack, she was seventy if she was a day!!! 🙂

    Reply

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