Dear Mr. F. Labala, Lavala, or Laval,
Some people from a collection agency are desperately trying to reach you. They mistakenly think you live with me, but I’ll swear on my mother’s once sacred lamp that I have never laid eyes on you. Unless you broke into my home and stole nothing but a long distance call, you have also never used my telephone. Unfortunately at some point in this lifetime, we shared a common number.
My phone rings a hundred times a day and each time I hear the shrill of its’ Brrrrrng, I go scampering to reach it by the third ring. Sometimes this requires me sliding down the banister from the second floor or exiting the bathroom before all my clothing is neatly in order. When I see the *866* on my caller ID, I become enraged, infuriated, and just plain annoyed. They phoned eighteen times yesterday, starting at around eight in the morning and culminating in FringeMan speaking to a manager at seven-thirty in the evening; however, the manager will not help. We talk to them weekly.
These friends of yours that keep calling are in the Philippines. I love Philippine people and they make wonderful food, but I am learning to hate these call center workers. It’s sad really, especially since I speak to them so often. I try not to hate, but each ring of my telephone brings me one step closer to losing my mind and there’s precious little left. My children have made sure of this.
I don’t want to know why you owe money. I really don’t care if you bought a golden lizard keychain or a plasma TV. I don’t even care if you never pay your bill. All I’m asking is that you update your phone number, because they won’t listen to me. I’d invite them over for coffee and a peak in my closets if this would ensure the end of the phone calls, but it’s a long trip overseas for them and I don’t make great coffee.
So Mr. L. (Can I call you that, because no-one seems to be certain of the pronunciation of your name?), I am begging you to show mercy on me, my family, and my frayed emotions. Call me when you get a minute. You know the number!