31 Days of Living by Faith, Day 23 – In Sickness and In Health

Seven years ago I became very ill.

An inexperienced doctor jumped to conclusions and uttered words like Brain Tumor, Spinal Cord Damage, and Multiple Sclerosis.  Of course they had no idea, because no tests had been run at the time, but after hearing the possibilities, I thought I was dying.

Aside from being sick, I had two insurmountable problems.  I had no money and no health insurance.  I was young and healthy.  I never thought I would need MRI’s and specialists.

Like Jacob, I wrestled with God.

I knew God could heal me, but for some reason, He wasn’t.

I was mad, upset, desperate, and nearly hopeless.  I did not want to die.

Although I had settled my eternal destiny, my baby just turned three years old and my son was only five.  My husband was about to enter ministry.  He need not do it a widow with two small kids.

I told God that. Over and over again.

I knew He cared, but I could not understand the purpose in all of it.  I wanted Him to heal me.

I pleaded and begged, bartered and bargained.  I promised everything from going to Africa to never getting mad again.  At anyone. For the rest of my life.

It all seemed silly, empty even.  God was not going to be moved by my temper tantrums.

One night I came to the end of myself.  I was doing battle with God when I realized I did not want to die, because I did not trust God with my kids.

I felt like I needed to be there to raise them, to love them, to nurture them.  I did not, for one minute, think they would grow up to be healthy, happy, stable adults if they lost me.

That is a lot of ego folks.

It was an “aha” moment.  All the light bulbs came on in my head and realization dawned.

I did not trust God.

That night I surrendered.  I gave my children to God and told Him that I trusted Him enough to take care of my kids.  I told Him if it was His will that I die, then I knew my husband and my children would be just fine without me.

After floods of tears and broken heart given to the one who created it, God said, “This isn’t going to kill you.”

I know I did not hear it audibly, but in my heart, in my mind, I heard it like someone was standing right next to me speaking.  There was no doubt it was God.

I did not get miraculously healed, but I am still here and I am perfectly well.  It was a long time coming though.  I struggled for more than a year and never knew what was wrong.  Oh, there was speculation and eventually I got health insurance and saw a good doctor who found a few things wrong, but that was many, many months later.

I had to remind myself, sometimes several times a day, this is not going to kill me.  God promised.

My Daughter and I in a Photo Shoot

I do not know why I got sick.  I’m not even exactly sure what God was trying to teach me through it all.  I learned many lessons, trusting the Lord with my children was only one, but it was a big one.

Living by faith sometimes requires us to give up, surrender the thing (the person) we are holding on to the tightest.  Living by faith is trusting God even when it is really difficult.

P.S. Linking to Mercy Ink’s Heart & Home link-up.

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123 thoughts on “31 Days of Living by Faith, Day 23 – In Sickness and In Health

  1. Pingback: The Domestic Fringe — Dreams & Colour « Featured Blogger « FancyLittleThings.com

  2. mckenzy

    Wake Up Call!!!

    its nerve wreaking when it happens. and yes, we come up with all our sorrys and ‘i’ll do better’, ‘i’ll serve in church’ and all that… but you never know how serious its gonna get until the ‘You’re not gonna die’ message comes and then there’s…. peace… and shame… and extreme gratefulness and thanksgiving for his mercies that are new every morning…

    thanks for sharing… great reminder to never put Him on a shelf…

    Reply
  3. leohaskin01

    Great post. It is funny how we mouth off about how much we trust God but soon come to realize that we haven’t given Him everything. We all must face our Abraham moment and be willing to sacrifice our Isaac.

    Reply
  4. anewdayrising79

    This certainly challenged me. I remember a time when I was out of work, and I had been out of work for so long that I had really stretched myself to the max, in terms of credit and unemployment benefits, despite my better efforts. Nothing was coming together, really, and I knew I was at the 11th hour. I struggle with anxiety in general, but at this point, I found I had a peace about the situation. regardless if the absolute worst happened, I knew God had not forgotten me and that whatever was next was just another step ahead, regardless of how it seemed. Within weeks, I had a new job, new car and a new place to live.

    “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” Job 13:15

    Thank you for being vulnerable. Don’t wonder if it made a difference; it always does, more than we’ll ever see this lifetime. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Little Sonshine Girl

    I want you to know that I read this on the day it was “Freshly Pressed.” God used your willingness to be vulnerable and transparent to speak to me that day. It was exactly what I needed to hear that day and such an encouragement to me as someone coping with many unexplainable illnesses. Thank you for the reminder to still “trust in the Lord with all of [my] heart,” “to lean not on [my] own understanding…” (Proverbs 3:5-6) May God continue to bless you.

    Reply
  6. Pingback: 31 Days of Living by Faith, Day 27 – Bringing God Glory | the domestic fringe

  7. ccpruett

    SO good! My mom had a very similar experience. She broke down at church one day and couldn’t at first identify why. She went up to the altar and asked God what was upsetting her so much (she’s not generally that sporadically emotional), and she, like you, heard God say to her, “You don’t trust me with your children.” She knew it was from the Lord because before that moment, that had never crossed her mind. Startled, she answered “What? Yes I do… omg, you’re right, I don’t…” And He proceeded to tell her, “I Am ALL you need.”

    My amazing, faithful mom has been clinging to this promise ever since. It’s am amazing promise that gives everyone in our family hope. God is amazing and so faithful. So glad to hear you’re doing well and are continuing to “live by faith!” God bless you. & congrats on FP!
    -Cayla

    Reply
  8. kananig

    Thank U for sharing your AHA moment it is very inspiring & uplifting, some people don’t notice their AHA moment but I’m glad u did. Thanx to Saddleback Church & people like u, I am coming back around. Maybe I’ll share my story one day. You R Blessed! Aloha!

    Reply
  9. Mama's Empty Nest

    Beautiful and encouraging post! I rarely look at Freshly Pressed posts any more, but today I wanted to read someone else’s blog that had been FP’d and yours caught my eye. Glad I took the time to check yours out. I so agree with your last paragraph – “Living by faith sometimes requires us to give up, surrender the thing (the person) we are holding on to the tightest. Living by faith is trusting God even when it is really difficult.” Your words ring so very true! May God bless you & your family.

    Reply
  10. joelib92

    As I venture out into this world of blogging and particularly this site, it is comforting to know that I am not alone in my faith in God. I am encouraged by your declaration and sharing of how your faith was deepened and know it is a pursuit I can mimic. I hope to broaden our outreach with blog articles like yours. You will be another inspiration to me and I plan to return often.

    Reply
  11. loubug071

    Wonderful entry!! I know exactly what you are talking about!! I’ve felt that voice permeate my mind, soul, body and give me a peace that is unshakeable!!! He is amazing~

    Reply
  12. Leuk and C

    Lovely post, although I am not a religious person I can totally relate to your “Faith” if you take a look at my blog you will understand.
    Warm wishes to you.

    Reply

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