Seven years ago I became very ill.
An inexperienced doctor jumped to conclusions and uttered words like Brain Tumor, Spinal Cord Damage, and Multiple Sclerosis. Of course they had no idea, because no tests had been run at the time, but after hearing the possibilities, I thought I was dying.
Aside from being sick, I had two insurmountable problems. I had no money and no health insurance. I was young and healthy. I never thought I would need MRI’s and specialists.
Like Jacob, I wrestled with God.
I knew God could heal me, but for some reason, He wasn’t.
I was mad, upset, desperate, and nearly hopeless. I did not want to die.
Although I had settled my eternal destiny, my baby just turned three years old and my son was only five. My husband was about to enter ministry. He need not do it a widow with two small kids.
I told God that. Over and over again.
I knew He cared, but I could not understand the purpose in all of it. I wanted Him to heal me.
I pleaded and begged, bartered and bargained. I promised everything from going to Africa to never getting mad again. At anyone. For the rest of my life.
It all seemed silly, empty even. God was not going to be moved by my temper tantrums.
One night I came to the end of myself. I was doing battle with God when I realized I did not want to die, because I did not trust God with my kids.
I felt like I needed to be there to raise them, to love them, to nurture them. I did not, for one minute, think they would grow up to be healthy, happy, stable adults if they lost me.
That is a lot of ego folks.
It was an “aha” moment. All the light bulbs came on in my head and realization dawned.
I did not trust God.
That night I surrendered. I gave my children to God and told Him that I trusted Him enough to take care of my kids. I told Him if it was His will that I die, then I knew my husband and my children would be just fine without me.
After floods of tears and broken heart given to the one who created it, God said, “This isn’t going to kill you.”
I know I did not hear it audibly, but in my heart, in my mind, I heard it like someone was standing right next to me speaking. There was no doubt it was God.
I did not get miraculously healed, but I am still here and I am perfectly well. It was a long time coming though. I struggled for more than a year and never knew what was wrong. Oh, there was speculation and eventually I got health insurance and saw a good doctor who found a few things wrong, but that was many, many months later.
I had to remind myself, sometimes several times a day, this is not going to kill me. God promised.
I do not know why I got sick. I’m not even exactly sure what God was trying to teach me through it all. I learned many lessons, trusting the Lord with my children was only one, but it was a big one.
Living by faith sometimes requires us to give up, surrender the thing (the person) we are holding on to the tightest. Living by faith is trusting God even when it is really difficult.
P.S. Linking to Mercy Ink’s Heart & Home link-up.