Mid-Life Crisis or My Insides Are Ugly

This past week, I was a bit on the ugly side – inside.

I can blame it on a sick kid or cancelled holiday plans or no money to go shopping on Friday (I know, wahhhh.), but the truth is that I was just an ugly, grumpy, negative mess.

I tried to hide it and only feel bad on the inside, but it didn’t work, not a bit.  The ugliness eeked out in things I said, my actions, the look on my long face.

I was in total pity party mode.  The fact that there wasn’t any chocolate at my party made me all the more miserable.

Then my son said I was middle-aged.  My mother told me this before, but I completely ignored her. I figured she just wanted company at the top of the ladder.  When I heard my son say it, I realized that is how everyone younger than me views my age, my life, me – in the middle of it all.

That’s a downright scary place to be.  Just ask a middle child.

I’ve done the whole starting out thing.  I went to college, got a job, got married, bought a house, had a couple of kids, went back to college, bought another house or two, celebrated fifteen years of marriage…the rest is the ordinary day in day out.  The stuff I write about here on my blog.

Is it enough?  Have I done enough, been enough?

I don’t think so.  That’s the problem.  I don’t feel like my life has been worth enough yet.

Cue up mid-life crisis mode.

If you’re a therapist, add me to your contacts.

I reviewed my life in my head, over and over again.  I talked to myself.  It’s the worse thing a person can do.  Some call it self-talking.  It’s what you do to make your blood boil.  Tell yourself all the ways you have failed, all the things you should have done, could have done.

I reminded myself of what a loser I am.  Then I counted all the wasted minutes.

It’s not a good place to be and I know that.  I know every conversation I had in my head was pointless.  No good would come of it.  I know that and yet I did it anyway.  That’s the real definition of stupid.

After I tired of talking to myself, I talked to God.

Actually, I complained.  Like a total whiner.  If I were Him, I would have shoved a sock in my mouth, but unlike us, God is long suffering and full of grace.  I made Him suffer with my rantings.

Every time I saw someone’s list of “Thanks”, I wanted to barf.  It convicted me, and I totally wanted to be justified in my self-loathing.  Honestly, it’s kind of funny to me now, but it was not three days ago.

My heart was black as a starless night.

After I felt like God was getting sick of me, I played shrink with myself.  Let’s face it.  I know all the “right” answers.  I can counsel someone stuck in the rut of stinkin’ thinking, so I turned myself loose on myself.

Ya, I can drone on and on.  Before long, I was sick of both my personalities – the depressed one and the wannabe shrink.

I generally do not get into these funks for more than a few hours, if at all.  It’s not my default mode, but this week I set a new record.  I think I kept up the stinkin’ attitude for 3 or 4 days.  By choice.

The truth is that I am blessed beyond measure.  I have a husband who loves me, two amazing kids, a home, family and friends, and so much more.  My mistake is that I stopped counting my blessings.

Yes, I am over it.  I don’t know if I’m beyond the whole mid-life crisis thing yet, but I’m over the pity party.

After all, I still have half my life left.  Now I better get busy!

Have you had your mid-life crisis yet?

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22 thoughts on “Mid-Life Crisis or My Insides Are Ugly

  1. Amber

    I know how you feel friend. Sometimes I like to get stuck in condescending annoying ruts that are super ugly. I try to steer clear of others during that time! 😉

    Reply
  2. ladyofthemanse

    Ugh, why are you a reflection of me? So perhaps I can see myself. I seem to be able to see all the good things and be thankful until the sun goes down, and then when I’m tired–I’m too tired, and overwhelmed. And I have a pity party.

    But I do have lots to be thankful for today especially–not least that God has given me the strength to get through what could have been very difficult.

    Reply
  3. Missindeedy

    I replied to this yesterday on my phone. It did not show up. Harumph… With ya sister. On the feeling a bit down and on knowing Who I need to go to about it and about not enjoying the reading of All The Thankfulness. I hope your spirits are lifted and you are feeling more chipper with each passing day.

    Reply
  4. phyllis

    I’m sitting here in agreement and saying “go to God!” and you did, and I’m saying “tell yourself what you’d tell others!” and you did 🙂 and then I said, “it’s a new day, make it better!” and you said you were going to. I believe God gave you wisdom. I was a wee annoyed with everybody’s thankful posts…mostly b/c they said the same basic ones over and over ha!

    Reply
  5. free penny press

    Yes indeed I had an after mid-life crisis when I turned 50 last year….Kids almost all gone, career intact but something felt missing..I evaluated, cried, evaluated more, cried more and then I surrendered it to the Creator. Asked him to guide me in a useful & purposeful way. He did. I started a non-profit poetry/art magazine, made a final decision to move to a place I have always wanted to live and now I am starting photography, oh and more volunteering.. It can be a scary place, but I don’t need to tell you to surrender, you already know that 🙂

    Reply
  6. Diane Yuhas (@dyuhas62)

    Oh, FringeGirl, do I ever know all about the pity party and mid-life crisis. Now I’m 50 and feelin’ nifty 🙂 God has listened to my ranting and raving again and again. I’m amazed by his capacity to love us through it all. If it had been me, I’d have dropped me a long time ago. Yet here I am and I now I feel I’ve got a future and a hope. Very different from a couple of years ago. I’m glad you know he is faithful.

    Reply
  7. amphomma

    I’m not sure I’d call it a midlife crisis, but I definitely have “funks” here and there, just ask my husband. Nothing he says seems to be “right”, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I get really, really snarky about whatever or whomever is on my “bad side” at the moment. Part of my discontent in the past year or so has to do with the friends around me who seem to have grown up and those who haven’t, and what I’m supposed to do as a loving, Christian woman (I’m 35). Like I said, I get really snarky, ugly, judgmental in my mind, and I can tell it just makes God sad!

    I also think of times like the one you described as adult growing pains…maybe all that inner questioning and feelings of being down are gearing you up for something new in life, that God is preparing you for. Sometimes we feel totally unready, weak, and unfit for new things, but that’s right where God wants us, totally dependent on Him for even our daily disposition!

    Finally, I am finding that these “moods” or “funks” are not something that many women share readily. At least in my circle of friends and acquaintances, there are few with whom I’d be comfortable sharing less-than-ideal thoughts or emotions. Again, this has helped me lean more on God, but it is refreshing to hear when other women actually open up. Thank you. I hope the light expands, and I’m excited to see what our Father has in store for you (and me, and the rest of us)!

    Reply
  8. Anne

    I’m pretty sure everyone feels like that at some stage or another. I certainly do, and as I’m in my late forties now I suppose I’ll blame the old hormones! Thanks for commenting on my blog today:) Have a good week!
    ~Anne

    Reply
  9. Jessie @ Dream & Differ

    I’ve been there, but like you, it’s not my everyday modus operandus. I think that makes it harder to handle when we do slip into a funk. You know something’s not right, your family knows, and the knowing, but not being able to snap out of it, makes it all seem even worse!

    I love your honesty, relateabillity {no idea how to spell that one!}, and humor. I’m so glad you’re feeling better!

    Reply
  10. Lynette

    Wow…boy could I relate to this. Thank you so much for sharing things that are difficult to talk about, in such an honest and refreshing manner. When I think about all the times my inner voice has put me down and been so critical and negative I wince. I read something about six months ago that really resonated with me….it said that we should talk to ourselves as the five-year-old little girl we used to be. Think about how you would talk to a little girl you loved…you would encourage her and be patient with her and compliment her on all her day-to-day successes, big and small. We put so much effort into being kind to others in our lives and forget to be kind to ourselves. I still need to be reminded of this, from time to time but I am getting better about my inner voice, and when I get into the black funk..it’s easier now to climb back out of it. You are a blessing…thank you.

    Reply
  11. The "ME" Project

    Oh my gosh, I have so been there- and trust me, when you have lived the life I have, the self talk can get really ugly. I am 37 and if you added a zero to that number, you pretty much have my credit score. I have no house of my own. I have kids, but it’s not like I planned them or anything…are you smiling yet? Good! See, it could always be worse. Be gentle with yourself and know that in Gods eyes you are absolutely perfect exactly as you are. Have a great day!

    Reply
  12. Vicki

    Everytime I read one of your posts I think “I LOVE HER!” So I thought I’d tell you that! I love you! I love your honesty, humor, faith.

    Thanks for sharing. It’s so nice to know we are not alone in our struggles!

    Bless you and your beautiful family!

    Reply
  13. Loraine@missflibbertigibbet

    First, thanks for visiting my blog for the Home For The Holidays Party.
    Second, I bet 98.99/100ths % of women can relate to this! I am old (like honestly old) and have been through menopause…actually still there a bit. You’re not ready for THAT but the feelings you describe sure are the same. Who else can you B&moan to if not God? He always understands and can restore your balance. Sometimes these feelings are just a bad mood and unreasonable, but sometimes they cause us to identify a problem…in ourself, or someone else, or in a system or pattern that needs changing. Either way, God has set up a win-win situation for us! His wisdom and grace is sufficient for all our needs! So true!
    Blessings!

    Reply
  14. myinvisiblecrown1

    I never even considered women having a mid-life crisis and I think I’m a good bit older than you but I do know about the black mood syndrome. I think in women they call it changing hormones or menopause? Not that you have that! I’m glad you worked it out. Sounds like you have an arsenal at your disposal to deal with it next time though!

    Reply
  15. Deanna

    This could have been one of my posts! I’ve been there friend – by choice. I think you are right when you talk about blessings. If we forget to notice all the good things, it is easy to sink into pity-mode. Have you ever read 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp?

    Reply

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