Tag Archives: M&M’s

On Parenting, Cherry M&M’s, and all the Reasons I Need An Intervention

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I’m skipping the whole Hello Monday thing today.  I tried, I really did, but I am suffering from a million calorie hangover brought on by all the ridiculous food I ate last night.  Let’s face it, I only like the Super-Bowl for the food, and the commercials, but I didn’t get to see the commercials because we watched it online.  No cable and all.

I did, however, get to see the half-time show.  Forgive me for laughing out loud at a few of Beyonce’s exaggerated bootie calls.  Ok?

So I tried really hard to stay up until the end and I did, but only because of a Wicked Good Whoopie.  We are just close enough to the far North to get Maine’s famous Isomax Whoopie Pies.

I wasn’t even lying about the million calorie hangover.  It was Fat Sunday, but that’s in the past, because today is Skinny Monday. I shall eat accordingly.

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This weekend nearly sent me into a stroke.  A report card landed in my mailbox on Saturday afternoon and my child’s (who shall remain nameless) world tilted on their axis.

I paced and I yelled and threatened World War III if things don’t change.  I am not proud of my emotional outburst, but I felt like I was trapped in a cartoon and the line of red was creeping over my face, higher and higher, until smoke began pouring from ears.

My lid popped.

Then I spent the remainder of the weekend emailing with one nameless Math teacher and plotting to make my child’s life a living hell until the next report card comes in the hands of our mailman.

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There’s no capability problem.  It’s quite the opposite.  This is an advanced Math class, the kind where your GPA must be kept above a certain number or you get kicked out.  The problem is that one said child would rather draw than do algebra.

I hate math as much as the next person.  I really do, but schools are funny about this subject, they insist on making you take a math class every year until graduation.

In all the madness, I ate one entire bag of cherry m&m’s (not all in one sitting).  I’m like a m&m addict.  I sat in front of the fire taking deep, cleansing breaths and popping in a bright red m&m.  Someone launch an intervention please.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of a plow truck.  I have a headache and my daughter almost missed the school bus.  I would wish you all a happy Monday, but I would totally be faking it.

My wish for today is that m&m’s would come in a low calorie version and my other child would just remember the capital of California, because if I have to say S-A-C-R-A-M-E-N-T-O one more time, I may need another bag of cherry m&m’s.

Now I’ll stop talking, because when the headache wears off, I will regret my rant.

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Oh, and happy Monday.  Sort of.

If you really want to have a Happy Monday, go visit Lisa Leonard and say Hello to something nice and sunshiny for me.  Deal?

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Today I…

Today I…

ate a few M&M’s.

Now don’t start wagging your finger in my face, because I’ve been doing really well in the food department.  I’ve eaten more oranges and bananas than the giant gorilla at our local zoo, but tonight I had to have a few M&M’s – only a few.

I also went swimming in a real pool, not the back of a pick-up.  The water was spectacular.  I am definitely counting it as exercise, because I swam laps, did leg lifts, and acted like I was in a geriatric water-aerobics class.  Therefore my M&M’s are canceled out.

FringeMan says I’m like the guy on the TV commercial who is riding an exercise bike while drinking in order to cancel out the calories for drinking, except I am eating.  It’s possible that you may see me doing jumping-jacks while chewing a steak.  Unfortunately I cannot guarantee I will not be in public.

I also almost sent my daughter to reform school, a convent, the pound, or anyplace that would take her on short notice.  After coming out in my new swimsuit, she took one look at me and said, “Wow, you look pregnant.”

Then she said, “I wish that bathing suit came in another color.”

Wolf-spiders eat their young.

Seriously, I have a lot of problem areas (namely my marshmallow legs), but I do not look pregnant.  Thankfully my son stood up for me and said, “I saw her pregnant and she didn’t look like that.  I remember.”

Moving on…

I am also thinking about painting these cute little owls I purchased for seventy-five cents.  I have three, but now I wish I had bought them all.  Regret is a terrible thing, even on twenty-five cent items.

I am also praying about something big.  Part of this prayer includes earning an extra thousand dollars this month.  Remember the parting of the Red Sea, the Flood, the Water into Wine?  Greater things have happened.  So will you pray with me please?

Hey, you have not, because you ask not.  It says that in the Bible.

Are you asking God for anything?

What do aqua paint, the IRS, and bananas have in common?

I feel like I was rundown by a semi-truck carrying gallons of ready mixed paint colors.

I look like a frizzy headed Easter chick whose painted eggs got cracked all over my fluff.

I smell like…

On second thought, use your imagination.

It’s been a life packed few days on the fringe and just so you know, I’ve been eating my share of the bananas.  One banana must be good for about seventy-five M&M’s.  Wouldn’t you think?

Although I really didn’t intend to jump right into a food conversation, it seems chocolate is on my brain and I have a huge confession.  All of my healthy life choices got the kibosh tonight.  I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia for dinner.

There is no excuse.

Understand I chose the Yogurt Cherry Garcia which had half the calories and only a small fraction of the fat, so I feel slightly justified in my decision.

Yes, mom, I fed the kids real food for dinner.

Did you hear about the proposed tax on soda and other beverages containing sugar?  It’s the governments way of strong-arming us into making good food choices.  I think they should just tax fruit and veggies, push us all into an early demise, and then euthanize us young.  It will save scads of money on health care.

No I did not drink soda with my ice-cream frozen yogurt.

I can’t speak anymore about taxes.  I have serious issues with both our government and the IRS.  The IRS owes us money; however, we were notified that our tax return would be delayed due to the new health care laws.  WHAT?

Don’t they realize I need that money to buy Diet Coke?

Do you think sugar substitutes will be taxed as heavily as sugar?

Folks the questions never end.

On to brighter topics…

I’ve been painting and I am in love.  Watch out FringeMan, because Benjamin has Moore to offer…like aqua blue high gloss and regal red.  I can’t tell you anymore, because I am not done; however, I assure you it will be magnificent.  You’ll be so surprised, overwhelmed, and possibly nauseated.  I can’t wait to take pictures, but today was not that day.  There’s a ladder in the middle of my living room, a hole in the wall, and half painted stuff everywhere.  The dog is camouflage, but will only blend in with a band of gypsies.

FringeMan stole the show, possibly even from Benjamin Moore, when he brought home not one, but three fabulous old light fixtures.  He rewired an old farmhouse and replaced all the lighting fixtures.  Usually these fixtures go to the garbage, but I nearly died when he told me that he’s thrown out hundreds of the lights I love.  He now knows that all old lights must come home for inspection before going to junk heaven.  I am pleased to say that I have new lights for my living room, hallway (which is currently half done), and my daughter’s room.

Th-th-tha-tha-that’s all folks!

As long as the rain holds off, I’ll be painting the town red tomorrow or aqua…depends.

What have you been up to?

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M&M Topped Salads

If my food decisions were left to my taste buds, every meal would include cheese and there would be very few vegetables on my plate; however, in an effort to teach my children good eating habits, I have been attempting to dedicate one night a week to eating a salad for dinner.  A bowl of lettuce is not any more attractive to me than it is to my children, but I offer options to make the greens filling and exciting.  We always have raw almonds, sunflower seeds, and cheese that they can add.  In addition there’s usually some olives, fruit, and even leftover meat they can sprinkle on top.  Last night was full of options because we had ham and hardboiled eggs.  In the end it’s probably not even a healthy meal, but I try.

This is an actual conversation that took place last night while eating our salad.

FringeBoy plucked a plastic egg filled with M&M’s off the table and asked, “What do you think tastes better, a banana or M&M’s?”

My heart screamed M&M’s, but my brain reminded me that I was eating salad and required each of my children to eat half a banana alongside their breakfast this morning.  It was a struggle of mind and soul that left me feeling like the girl from Willy Wonka that turned into a giant blueberry after she insisted on eating the three-course meal gum.

My parental mind won and I said, “Oh a banana tastes good and it’s good for you.”

Unfortunately my son never accepts my first answer to any of his questions.  He is one of those children who must push you to question every decision you’ve ever made in life, including the decision to procreate.  So he upped the ante.

“If you were going to die and this was your last meal, would you eat a banana or M&M’s?”

Truth be told everyone knows that if it were my last meal, I would probably eat a pepperoni pizza with M&M’s on top.  Healthy choices mean little in the face of death.

Knowing that I couldn’t cave, I said with a confident tone, “Banana.”

The heavens parted and angels shouted in chorus, “Liar, LIAR, L-I-A-R!”

Hearing the angels, my son looked at me is disbelief and said, “So you’re gonna be in heaven saying, I should have just eaten the M&M’s.  That’s really dumb.”

He’s right.  I think I’ll just eat M&M’s on my salad next week.

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