Tag Archives: rant

On Parenting, Cherry M&M’s, and all the Reasons I Need An Intervention

Source: littlewhitelion.com via Tricia on Pinterest

I’m skipping the whole Hello Monday thing today.  I tried, I really did, but I am suffering from a million calorie hangover brought on by all the ridiculous food I ate last night.  Let’s face it, I only like the Super-Bowl for the food, and the commercials, but I didn’t get to see the commercials because we watched it online.  No cable and all.

I did, however, get to see the half-time show.  Forgive me for laughing out loud at a few of Beyonce’s exaggerated bootie calls.  Ok?

So I tried really hard to stay up until the end and I did, but only because of a Wicked Good Whoopie.  We are just close enough to the far North to get Maine’s famous Isomax Whoopie Pies.

I wasn’t even lying about the million calorie hangover.  It was Fat Sunday, but that’s in the past, because today is Skinny Monday. I shall eat accordingly.

Source: someecards.com via Tricia on Pinterest

This weekend nearly sent me into a stroke.  A report card landed in my mailbox on Saturday afternoon and my child’s (who shall remain nameless) world tilted on their axis.

I paced and I yelled and threatened World War III if things don’t change.  I am not proud of my emotional outburst, but I felt like I was trapped in a cartoon and the line of red was creeping over my face, higher and higher, until smoke began pouring from ears.

My lid popped.

Then I spent the remainder of the weekend emailing with one nameless Math teacher and plotting to make my child’s life a living hell until the next report card comes in the hands of our mailman.

Source: someecards.com via Tricia on Pinterest

There’s no capability problem.  It’s quite the opposite.  This is an advanced Math class, the kind where your GPA must be kept above a certain number or you get kicked out.  The problem is that one said child would rather draw than do algebra.

I hate math as much as the next person.  I really do, but schools are funny about this subject, they insist on making you take a math class every year until graduation.

In all the madness, I ate one entire bag of cherry m&m’s (not all in one sitting).  I’m like a m&m addict.  I sat in front of the fire taking deep, cleansing breaths and popping in a bright red m&m.  Someone launch an intervention please.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of a plow truck.  I have a headache and my daughter almost missed the school bus.  I would wish you all a happy Monday, but I would totally be faking it.

My wish for today is that m&m’s would come in a low calorie version and my other child would just remember the capital of California, because if I have to say S-A-C-R-A-M-E-N-T-O one more time, I may need another bag of cherry m&m’s.

Now I’ll stop talking, because when the headache wears off, I will regret my rant.

Source: google.com via Tricia on Pinterest

Oh, and happy Monday.  Sort of.

If you really want to have a Happy Monday, go visit Lisa Leonard and say Hello to something nice and sunshiny for me.  Deal?

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American Print Media Obsessed

I have no right to be a critic.  I am under skilled and over (or is that overly?) opinionated; however, my love for print media sometimes leaves me longing.

America obsesses with cutting fat and self-help.  Don’t worry ladies, I’m not even hinting at cutting out chocolate and potato chips.  I’m talking about fat in writing.

I’ve sat through all the college classes that taught me to cut unnecessary words (obviously I pay no mind to those rules) and eliminate ‘fat’ from our articles.  Heaven forbid our story is a size 14 instead of a size 4.

Most editors would die of fright if they were assigned my blog or yours.  They like neat little concise gifts of journalism in 500 words or less.

We’re losing something.  As we cut fat, slivers of meat follow.  Suddenly our writing is skin and bones, absolutely boring to look at and tiring to read.

Magazines are filled with countless self-help articles.

How My Woodstove Ruined My Nails in 300 Words

Help Johnny Overcome His Fear of The Toilet in 5 Flushes

10 Ways to Say I Love You, but I Hate Your Dog

Be Bikini Ready in Time for Your Grave

Don’t even tell me you only read Christian literature, because it’s just as bad.

Knowing God’s Will in Ninety Days

7 Ways to Raise Kids Who Will Attend Church

12 Envelopes to Financial Freedom

How To Masquerade as a Proverbs 31 Woman in 31 Days

We’re obsessed with these heartless, but neatly wrapped articles that help us do everything from birth a baby in a bathtub to walk the streets of gold in stilettos.

Is anyone else tired of reading this gibberish?

Maybe it’s just me.  I kind of long for the days when slighty wordy short stories, written by aspiring writers, appeared in monthly magazines.  I’d like for people to stop fixing me and start entertaining me with words, or challenging my depth of knowledge without planning my next 10, 30, or 90 days.

I honestly do not think most magazines are worth the $4.95 we are asked to pay for them.

Don’t even get me started on newspapers!

I’m always amazed when I read an article, glom all kinds of superficial facts and have no idea what is really going on or why the article was written in the first place.

Most of our print news media is self-help or tabloid, and I include CNN in that tabloid lot.  Take a gander at the headlines.

Come to think of it, I should have written this article in the format of –

8 Ways The Media Failed Me and My Fat

Alas, my rant is over in less than 500 words.  My editor will be pleased.

Thoughts and comments welcome, as long as they are in 3 Easy Steps or Less. 😉